2014-2016

I haven't kept this updated like I should have, and yet a lot has changed. In 2014 our year was very chaotic in all the things we were dealing with. My neck went bad either in the beginning of Feb, or the beginning of March. We didn't notice, because there was so much else at that time to focus on. Fast forward to Aug.

In Aug we tend to help set up a local church's massive rummage sale, and I especially love getting there to help when things are really off, because it's so consistent. We see old friends, we know the work very well, and it's a great place to rest mentally, even though you are physically working.

The first day we were there, We didn't stay very long, maybe an hour and a half, but for some reason, I was in the worst pain I had felt in a long time. The previous year didn't hurt my arm or neck like this, despite being fresh off of gall bladder and hernia surgeries. Nothing helped the pain. I was doing all I could. This is when we knew I needed new scans, and that we would be looking at more neck surgery. The process the provider who had done my previous 2 made me go through however, almost caused my death (we just didn't know that for almost 2 more months). Instead of doing scans asap, they made me wait for an appointment, which was almost 8 weeks after my call. Due to the previous surgeries, and knowing something major was probably wrong, that was a horrible call. After my scans, the doctor who made me perform physical tests I also shouldn't have been asked due to my previous fusions, said my scans were normal. Neurology always has to review my scans, and when they saw them, they were very panicked over the results. They had me approved for emergency surgery before I arrived in office for them to confirm my scan results with the minor physical tests. The appointment was spent telling me all the things that were almost a guarantee to go wrong from this surgery, but that there was nothing I could do because I had less than 2mm left to my spinal cord. I would not drive again, talk again without permanent laryngitis (because there was no way he could avoid the vocal nerve to get to the level he had to work on), I would have almost no range of motion left to my neck, I would have a scar from under my chin to the bottom of my neck (he wouldn't be able to go between my present scars), I wouldn't be able to walk a 5k any more, and the overall risks beyond these things were very high. I focused only on things like my pre-op physicial, instead of all that was said, because I would have completely panicked and melted down if I allowed myself to think.

Surgery was 4 days after hearing all this, and was going to cost us a couple months of income to do. When I woke up from surgery, I was shocked, because I heard my normal voice. I didn't actually believe others could hear my normal voice at first, I just figured it was me not wanting to accept that it was different. When they made me get up to walk, the bandages weren't any bigger than my previous surgeries, and definitely weren't my whole neck. Being fresh out of surgery, I couldn't test the other elements, but I was very excited.

As I healed, I was able to still have some motion to my neck, and I could still drive. Granted my driving was more limited than before for distance, due to not moving my neck very well, it was better than the never. Within a year of my surgery, all my checkups I had been told I was healing fine. It would take until my neck broke in 2017 (see next blog) to find out I never healed at all. For 3 years I battled severe pain and physical limitations. I couldn't even attempt to move my head from basically "text neck" position, because I would start to black out. Talking too much (which could be as little as 15 min at a time), would cause me to start coughing, or struggle to breathe, because my fusion was hitting my windpipe (and yes you can feel that clearly). I would have moments where I couldn't form sentences, or use words that were regularly in my vocabulary, because it was similar to how stroke patients appear to struggle, where they know the word, but can't get it said. Throughout all of these scary, and very difficult symptoms, I was told I was healing fine, there was no reason for me to have these issues, it was all in my head. Continuously being lied to like that made me extremely depressed. I kept pushing myself physically, believing I was my own problem, because I wasn't doing enough, when really I was doing all I could, I was just lied to.

In 2016 I had tripped, but not fallen, and it exaggerated all my symptoms. I was hospitalized for 3 days while they ran all the tests and scans possible. Physically I kept failing things I should have passed, but my scans were clear. They could have told me then that my fusion had failed; they didn't. They kept on lying to me that I was fine, so I kept doing everything I could, even if I needed more meds (which I typically refuse to take more than a few times a month, and only at bed, so they wouldn't interfere in my ability to parent and be with my children). I refused to give up. I still did at least one 5k a year, sometimes more, I didn't let people know how much I was struggling, or how hard being normal in bursts truly took for me in those 3 years. Mostly, because I needed to be ok. I needed to have as much normal as I could, because mentally I wasn't coping well at all. I couldn't even clean my house even semi-normally, and for someone who loves to clean and keep things mostly maintained, that alone was huge mentally.

For almost 3 months post surgery, I couldn't chew, so I lived on smoothies and soup, and I hate soup. I have come to enjoy it a bit more now, but it was a food I typically avoided as often as possible. On the worst days, I would have to go back to not chewing, which caused a lot of weight gain. I couldn't exercise anywhere near what I could before, or be as active around the house cleaning like before, plus I couldn't chew up to half the time, so my mainly veggie and fruit diet was gone other than smoothies. I also lost my spiritual discipline in this, which caused problems in a few areas for our family as well. By 2016 though, we knew things were off, and needed refocus and more discipline. We didn't get completely back to previous normals, but things did start shifting with the improvements.