2017-Broken neck blessing

In 2017, I found a new doctor, and had set up an appointment with him, because I needed an annual recheck, as well as my arm was back to zinging more than it had been consistently, in a long time. We were 13 days away from that appointment, when we were rear-ended a mile from the hospital our daughter was scheduled for surgery at. She had broken her arm for the second time in 5 months, and needed rods. Thankfully, we weren't rear-ended at highway speeds, because it was stop and go traffic. We heard tires screeching, and knew we were going to be hit (as adults, our daughter was surprised by it). Instantly I felt my neck break, plus it made that undeniable sound, that only people who have experienced it understand. The officer that responded, was very upset I wouldn't take an ambulance from the scene. We had already called the hospital to let them know we were going to be late for check in, so they were very upset I wouldn't go straight to the ER at that point too. My neck had never broken before, and though we didn't know it then, it wasn't a true break, but it did finish my unhealed fusion off, which is similar to a break due to it being donor bone grafted with my bone. I was refusing to be seen until my daughter was in surgery, because as much as the break sensation was new, all the symptoms of previous neck issues prior to surgery were the same. I knew how to deal with it.

We ended up fighting for quite a bit on this new neck damage, because the place that had failed me in 2014 insisted there wasn't new damage, despite there being severe damage and side effects. Thankfully, I had that new doctor who had been recommended based on me having a great conversation with someone whose scans matched what I had wanted surgically since the beginning, but couldn't get approved before. He believed me, he saw all the changes, and showed us there was a bone spur that would have also had to be fixed, even if the fusion hadn't failed, as well as another level being bad that the other clinic had missed. I was going into surgery, and they would be fixing three things, not one.

On the day of surgery, he completely changed the type of fusion he was going to use, without prior authorization, because it would give me the best outcome. I ended up being completely brace free in under 2 weeks from that surgery. He had wanted me to be brace free right away, but it was too difficult at first due to how much my neck had atrophied from the break. I could move my neck into healthy posture, without any problems. That alone made me cry tears of joy frequently. He gave me instructions that were harder than anyone had allowed me to work after all of the previous three surgeries, and knowing I could push my limits like that, was mentally renewing as well. I was able to chew within a few weeks, instead of months like the previous surgery. I was active, and focused again, and back to feeling as normal as I could, after years of needing more care than people knew.
That being said, there are some disclaimers I should add in here. First, with each surgery I have a three to six month window, where the internal swelling or healing masks quite a bit, before it suddenly settles into what will be the new normal. Once it does settle, it isn't always horrible, but it does always shift my activity level or abilities backwards for a brief time, while I learn how to gauge what all I can do before hitting the point I would need to take my medicine. Due to this shift, I often hear people ask me how I was doing so well, and then seemed to stop. I didn't stop, it's just a temporary shift, and sometimes I don't have the thought process to phrase it like this. Also, if I am having a good day going into my follow ups, I often forget to mention new long term problems that have occured, so not all of my symptoms are charted unless I bring Colin with, because he makes lists for me, and I appreciate that detail. Second, active for me isn't normal people active, but I am pushing that as much as possible now too, since I was encouraged to do so by my doctor. When I say I was active, I went from around 500 steps a day during my neck being broken, to surgery, to over 1,000, then 2,500, then up to 5,000 once a week. I was averaging 2,500 at least three days though, which was huge progress. I know that doesn't put me in healthy range, but I was talking, chewing, driving, and doing more with my family than I had been in a long time, so overall it was huge.

I really have been living differently after three to seven years of limits. I have more side effects if I push it too much, but I can typically focus and handle details I couldn't before due to pain levels and emotional turmoil. I have been enjoying life, even on bad days. I have been doing better as a mom and wife, as well as spiritually changing back to aspects of who I was personality wise as well as actual spiritual discipline that isn't perfect, but many are noticing the differences in all 5 of us as a whole.

I am a walking miracle, and I don't know what the future holds, or how long things will be ok or unchanged, but I love that I get the chance to do as much as possible, as often as possible. I still have to rest 2-3 days a week, and sometimes I have to avoid phone calls or talking to help my body recover, but I'm not paralyzed, I'm not dead, and I can do more than I had been able to do in years. Many who hear parts of my story, or get concerned if I post about a bad day, don't always understand this full story. I'm extremely grateful for all the people who came alongside us and helped with the kids, or other elements during my healing. We so needed them for so many reasons, and even if it was short term help, it was big at the time.

2014-2016

I haven't kept this updated like I should have, and yet a lot has changed. In 2014 our year was very chaotic in all the things we were dealing with. My neck went bad either in the beginning of Feb, or the beginning of March. We didn't notice, because there was so much else at that time to focus on. Fast forward to Aug.

In Aug we tend to help set up a local church's massive rummage sale, and I especially love getting there to help when things are really off, because it's so consistent. We see old friends, we know the work very well, and it's a great place to rest mentally, even though you are physically working.

The first day we were there, We didn't stay very long, maybe an hour and a half, but for some reason, I was in the worst pain I had felt in a long time. The previous year didn't hurt my arm or neck like this, despite being fresh off of gall bladder and hernia surgeries. Nothing helped the pain. I was doing all I could. This is when we knew I needed new scans, and that we would be looking at more neck surgery. The process the provider who had done my previous 2 made me go through however, almost caused my death (we just didn't know that for almost 2 more months). Instead of doing scans asap, they made me wait for an appointment, which was almost 8 weeks after my call. Due to the previous surgeries, and knowing something major was probably wrong, that was a horrible call. After my scans, the doctor who made me perform physical tests I also shouldn't have been asked due to my previous fusions, said my scans were normal. Neurology always has to review my scans, and when they saw them, they were very panicked over the results. They had me approved for emergency surgery before I arrived in office for them to confirm my scan results with the minor physical tests. The appointment was spent telling me all the things that were almost a guarantee to go wrong from this surgery, but that there was nothing I could do because I had less than 2mm left to my spinal cord. I would not drive again, talk again without permanent laryngitis (because there was no way he could avoid the vocal nerve to get to the level he had to work on), I would have almost no range of motion left to my neck, I would have a scar from under my chin to the bottom of my neck (he wouldn't be able to go between my present scars), I wouldn't be able to walk a 5k any more, and the overall risks beyond these things were very high. I focused only on things like my pre-op physicial, instead of all that was said, because I would have completely panicked and melted down if I allowed myself to think.

Surgery was 4 days after hearing all this, and was going to cost us a couple months of income to do. When I woke up from surgery, I was shocked, because I heard my normal voice. I didn't actually believe others could hear my normal voice at first, I just figured it was me not wanting to accept that it was different. When they made me get up to walk, the bandages weren't any bigger than my previous surgeries, and definitely weren't my whole neck. Being fresh out of surgery, I couldn't test the other elements, but I was very excited.

As I healed, I was able to still have some motion to my neck, and I could still drive. Granted my driving was more limited than before for distance, due to not moving my neck very well, it was better than the never. Within a year of my surgery, all my checkups I had been told I was healing fine. It would take until my neck broke in 2017 (see next blog) to find out I never healed at all. For 3 years I battled severe pain and physical limitations. I couldn't even attempt to move my head from basically "text neck" position, because I would start to black out. Talking too much (which could be as little as 15 min at a time), would cause me to start coughing, or struggle to breathe, because my fusion was hitting my windpipe (and yes you can feel that clearly). I would have moments where I couldn't form sentences, or use words that were regularly in my vocabulary, because it was similar to how stroke patients appear to struggle, where they know the word, but can't get it said. Throughout all of these scary, and very difficult symptoms, I was told I was healing fine, there was no reason for me to have these issues, it was all in my head. Continuously being lied to like that made me extremely depressed. I kept pushing myself physically, believing I was my own problem, because I wasn't doing enough, when really I was doing all I could, I was just lied to.

In 2016 I had tripped, but not fallen, and it exaggerated all my symptoms. I was hospitalized for 3 days while they ran all the tests and scans possible. Physically I kept failing things I should have passed, but my scans were clear. They could have told me then that my fusion had failed; they didn't. They kept on lying to me that I was fine, so I kept doing everything I could, even if I needed more meds (which I typically refuse to take more than a few times a month, and only at bed, so they wouldn't interfere in my ability to parent and be with my children). I refused to give up. I still did at least one 5k a year, sometimes more, I didn't let people know how much I was struggling, or how hard being normal in bursts truly took for me in those 3 years. Mostly, because I needed to be ok. I needed to have as much normal as I could, because mentally I wasn't coping well at all. I couldn't even clean my house even semi-normally, and for someone who loves to clean and keep things mostly maintained, that alone was huge mentally.

For almost 3 months post surgery, I couldn't chew, so I lived on smoothies and soup, and I hate soup. I have come to enjoy it a bit more now, but it was a food I typically avoided as often as possible. On the worst days, I would have to go back to not chewing, which caused a lot of weight gain. I couldn't exercise anywhere near what I could before, or be as active around the house cleaning like before, plus I couldn't chew up to half the time, so my mainly veggie and fruit diet was gone other than smoothies. I also lost my spiritual discipline in this, which caused problems in a few areas for our family as well. By 2016 though, we knew things were off, and needed refocus and more discipline. We didn't get completely back to previous normals, but things did start shifting with the improvements.

Quick note

I haven't included many of the spiritual aspects of this journey yet, but I do plan to work hard on doing so in the near future when I replace my laptop cord. I have been able to speak the vast experiences in the spiritual journey without triggering my PTSD, but I haven't been able to commit to follow through with typing it and feel it is overdue.

Faithless to Faithful; The Start

I was encouraged to write my story, and felt very strongly this encouragement needed to be followed. My other blog is more blog style. This one will remain the story.

We will call this part “pre-kids.” This is very condensed because by the time I graduated high school I knew the choices I had made were mine. I knew why I had chosen them, poor or not, and no longer felt a need to place blame for the responsibility of my actions on others.

My family, like all families, is not perfect. Once I hit middle school age, I found reasons to not care what people thought, have regard for rules or authority, or really maintain any real aspect of my “Christian faith” outside of still being involved in church and having a great church face. In high school I went back and forth on how I should act, and where I stood in my own beliefs. I wouldn’t call this Christian either, but simply teenage confusion with foolishly justifying and excusing what I thought, felt, believed, did, etc in a manner that logically left no real blame on me.  I still went on missions trips, and was very active in church. That statement still makes me cringe at just how fake I was in that aspect of life. I had seen miracles with my own eyes, had no real reason to doubt God or my faith, and yet didn’t really believe most of what I had been raised in or taught.

After high school, my faith life quickly became non-existent. I knew I had beliefs, but going against so much of what I had been taught, I chose to no longer even attempt to fake my way through it all. I know there is a lot of speculation on this part of my life to what I was doing or how I was living, but the simple truth is that most of the speculation or accusations simply were never true. I am not saying I didn’t make my mistakes, just that instead of people asking me things or getting to know me, I usually ended up finding out what my life was “really” about from random people I didn’t truly know at any point in my life. At this point, my main justification for not returning to church was an explanation of most of what was being said about me coming from people in my church. My friends who had never had any real church experience treated me better, and with no real trust in who else had possibly been fake at church or real, I simply didn’t go back.

By the time I learned I was pregnant with Lexi, I simply knew that I didn’t want to be her Mom if I couldn’t set a good example for her. I had a decent understanding of what I believed, but despite not still being 100% convinced church was right, I went back. I made the decision to give up many aspects of my life to ensure that even if I wasn’t in agreement with all that I had been taught, that what I wouldn’t want her possibly seeing from me as a Mom was changed for what I considered to be positive.

I continued in this religion style of church going for quite a while longer before it became a true relationship like we have been called to according to the Bible. I was continually making improvements in not blatantly sinning, but without the relationship, these changes were still very limited. Some I had claimed to change, but hadn’t really as it was based more on my own control rather than for the love of God.

God has a sense of humor though, because despite all of this I really did know he existed. I had evidence of how amazingly real he was many times in my life.  I do still find it so crazy when I look back, knowing the reality and yet not caring enough to really invest more than my hour of church to him. I had knowledge of scriptures, biblical promises that had always been true, more reasons than most would need to be convinced of why to have a relationship, but I was still running life my own way with it looking like God’s way in my actions, speech, and more.

The start of changing this came with my marriage falling completely apart.

Jesus Take The Wheel

As much as our marriage was at a snail’s pace becoming repaired, it was only about a month from when we started to do the repairing before the crash that has forever changed our lives.

I wasn’t ready to forgive, I wasn’t ready to trust, I wasn’t ready to believe in a forever in my marriage. I was not even remotely close to these points, but God was. We had just changed churches before our marriage hitting bottom. We didn’t really know people, but at the time that was a good thing for me because it meant my past either rumored or truth could not follow me anymore. I had the chance to just be me; honest about my past and honest about my present with no one there to try and say I wasn’t honest. I was ready to be done with the drama that could have been avoided if people would listen rather than just judge on speculation for a long time. Having this be the time for the end of the drama was one of the best points for me despite my home life being in the midst of chaos. I could be honest with the chaos, how we were handling it, and more without added drama. This really was my own place of starting to heal, and eliminate “scar tissue” from all I had thought I had forgiven, but had not gotten the chance to also forget.

For about a week I kept having horrifying dreams of being in a roll over crash. With each dream the details became clearer, and it was to a point where it involved my kids & I. I have always had a form of a sixth sense, which more accurately has been God’s voice guiding me or showing me things either to give peace or allow for some things to change when they actually happened. This was one of those times.

The day we crashed, I woke up with an unshakable feeling of “you’re going to roll and it will be ok.” The road conditions were not favorable to drive in, and we would be driving both of our vehicles to our destination in these conditions. Was it crazy to still plan to not only drive to the north metro from the south, despite that feeling? My own answer was simply no. I wanted to be at the first family Christmas for the year, despite all that was in my head and showing to be unfavorable to be there. The closer we got to leaving the louder the voice was in my head. When the crash occurred we were not all that far from home, but had made it onto the main highway we would need to get to our destination.

The day (Dec 21, 2008) had started out so normal, and nice. We were getting ready to go to Christmas at my aunt's. We were a little late, but by no means rushed. We chose to Drive slower than most to ensure not having issues with the black ice. This would all soon not matter much. A van in front of me had cleaned off no part of their vehicle except their windows. You could hardly see that it was red from how snow covered the driver had left it. Apparently this snow was also ice. We had been behind them the majority of our route in progress, when suddenly a chunk of ice looking quite daggerish and larger than a softball flattened, came flying off their vehicle toward my head. I was just praying it didn't break through my window knowing the results if it had.

I had the 3 kids in my Jeep as Colin was following in his Jeep, so he could make it to work that night and leave Christmas early. The ice shattered my window while we were on the highway not going too slow, but still nowhere near the speeds posted. I couldn't see anything as it literally came at my head, which is where it shattered and bounced up, not proceeding into my face. This I was thankful for, but now had to try to explain to Colin I needed him to guide me toward an exit. As I was trying to tell Colin I couldn't see to drive further, I hit black ice. He heard me scream and that was it. I slid sideways across the lanes of traffic hit the curb, went nose (front bumper) down, flipped onto the driver’s side near the roof, slid in this position, then felt like we were completely on the roof basically stopped. From that point we flipped onto the tires, which I knew was God answering prayer. We should not have had enough momentum in the basically stopped vehicle to flip back onto the tires.

When all was said and done I had my window and mirror busted all over me, the kids were fine but shaken up, there was snow and all the lose debris from the Jeep piling me in, and I was quite frozen. We landed on the wheels, which I was praying for following the prayer of the ice not taking out my head. I somehow missed my airbag sensor from being engaged by a about an inch. I walked to Colin’s Jeep sore in a few places, bruised a bit, with minor cuts and glass all over me that I could feel. The kids had no cuts or bruises, no injuries at all despite Lexi (4 at the time) not being in a booster seat. JT (5mo old born preemie at the time) had a 20pound Chevy starter land on him, and was still completely perfect upon paramedic inspection. Mick was on my side of the vehicle, with no glass ending up on him from either of the 2 windows or the mirrors.

I refused to be taken to the hospital or checked out. I had a first aid kit (actually both vehicles did since we are first responder trained) that I made the stranger who stopped to help us find. I cleaned my wounds, and waited to finish the police report and tow information. From there I told Colin we were going to Christmas as I was not letting something that “would be minor in the grand scheme of things ruin Christmas for my kids.” We showed up with no gifts, and had a wonderful first Christmas. I vacuumed my jacket off to remove the glass I could feel when we arrived; I borrowed clothes from my aunt to finish getting the glass off of me, and was in shock, but overall fine for that day.  

Forcibly Changed

My marriage had been beyond rocky by most standards, and definitely compared to God’s standards of what a marriage should be. There was very little trust, with no real evidence of trust becoming established in the future. I am not going to place blame on my husband for this at all, because when I became completely honest with myself and God, I was just as guilty to all that we had endured. Yes endured. We both are stubborn in certain aspects of our lives, the balance in that statement comes from it usually being on very different things allowing for fairly clear understanding of which areas we listen verses plant our feet and try to be immobile in our positions. The main one we jointly were stubborn in was that marriage was forever as the vows stated, and that meant that no matter how rocky things were neither of us was willing to be the “weaker one” by just giving up. We did get close to giving up a couple times, but never did.

I understand that us not giving up was not from our own control, but more from God working in us. The point of us realizing that truth was when it had gotten bad enough that we lived in completely different rooms of the house, were only civil to each other around the kids (for us that meant only talking when we had no other choice), and had all the divorce papers filled out with no signatures or dates. We thankfully had amazing pre-marriage counselors and pastor who married us that we turned to for guidance in this. I remember doing it more for my kid’s sake than actually wanting to fix all the broken pieces.  God had a different plan.

We ended up having to face it all in a way that was like looking through the clearest glass. I had a friend who encouraged me to read a book while dealing with it all. We followed all our advice very closely, even when we didn’t agree with it or it felt too hard to follow. All of this was the basis for my religion becoming the relationship it had been long ago.

New Day; New Perspective

Spiritually I was so at peace. I knew God had told me it would be ok and he helped me remain as calm as possible in that crash. I knew God was the reason we landed on our tires, but I also had a very strong reminder that day of what exactly Christmas is all about. Lexi told me from the back seat of the now crashed Jeep that she saw God’s hand help us up (from being on the roof). Many thought I should cry, or grieve the experience. In my mind, I had no reason to grieve living through something most don’t live through.

Was I uninjured? No. Did I live through something many don’t? Yes. I will admit I broke some “medical professional standards” for advice given and things you just know being in the industry. I scheduled a massage appointment for the next day (typically not advised, especially since I was admittedly in shock when making the appointment and had no real way to assess if there was injury), I had a glass of wine at Christmas (no alcohol for at least 24hrs because of high concussion risk and the possibility to make shock worse). That being said both of those things did help in their own way. The wine calmed me down enough to have the shock wear off, and the massage helped me realize I had an injury. I know shock wears off with no need for anything further, but at the time my mindset was that it helped.

About 18 hours after the crash, I knew I had to go to the ER to be looked at for injuries. When we were finally in a room (many crash victims that evening), the nurse came in reading my chart, looked up at me, then back at his chart a few times and said, "WOW! Do you have some amazing angels with an awesome God watching over you! I believe in angels, and sorry if you don't ,but I have been through too much and seen too much to not believe in God and angels." This honestly just made my night that someone else saw it the same way. Also the fact that he just said this straight up on the job with no remorse or worry to if someone might possibly be offended. I was like woo hoo! Praise God! So we were essentially praising God every chance we got with him, and seriously it couldn't have been better! Granted I was in there for head and neck injuries, but spiritually, it was almost better than conferences I have attended.

The nurse’s name was Mick. Dominick was not saying his name yet if I remember correctly. Soon after this, he started to say “My name Mick, Dommmmick.” We smiled and knew then he would be our Mick. We had “pet names” for him before this, but no real nickname. I have been to that same ER quite a few times since that day, and have never even seen Mick there since. I know that night was another divine God moment.

I feel the proper way to show the relevance and realness of God in all of this, is to quick write a blurb of facts to end this section. When I walked away from the crash, the emergency responders were all in awe and making comments along the lines of “unbelievable.” These types of responses continued at Christmas when there was no real sign of cuts or busing on my head or face. Even the ones I had on my hands were so small you couldn’t see them unless you knew they were there. Walking into the ER, they were just as astonished when I told them why I was there. A simple truth I was told by Mick the nurse while waiting for the scan, was that I had been the first person he had seen to walk in on my own, be able to talk, have no visual damage, and so much more after the type of crash I was in.

 The ER only did a CT scan, which did not show any form of concussion, but also did not show the neck and spinal cord damage that was there. From my own medical training and experience, I knew there was something wrong in my neck a day or two after being scanned. I woke up, looked at my husband and said “I hope I am wrong on this, but I know this pain from many people I work on regularly, and I think I will end up having a spinal fusion.” I awoke one morning with no feeling to my right side, similar to what I would guess a stroke patient feels. Strokes are from blood clots, which if that had been the case would have shown on the scan. Also, I had no other symptoms of stroke such as slurred speech, confusion, etc.

We went to all 7 (if I remember right) Christmases that year, despite the crash and the injury when I could finally feel there was more wrong. I was on pain medicine, so I don’t remember much of the gatherings other than spending time with family so our kids could think about Christmas instead of the crash. After the Christmas celebrations were over, (Dec. 26th to be exact) I did go back to urgent care to be re-examined. That examination lead to my MRI and finding the disc that was compressing more than half of my spinal cord. They gave me a steroid medicine and some other things they had, to try to get it back to normal before scheduling the fusion. There was still a high chance the medicine would not help at all, but they had to try it first. The fusion was scheduled roughly a week after the medicine prescription ran out to make sure the medicine in my system had worn off, since the medicine does last longer than simply just taking the dosage given.